Where am I today?

I have been one lazy motherfucker.
Well, okay, not in life. Keeping up in this digital age, on the other hand... Yep. Super lazy.
For those that don't know, my Facebook has been deleted since November 1st. This is the second time I've done so, and it's been refreshing not seeing pages upon pages, posts upon posts, of other people's spawnlings.
I've been employed in security since May of this year. Not armed, mind you, but I keep hooligans from starting any shenanigans.
I have also picked up and moved to an undisclosed location. It's an adorable little place, and I am somehow managing to live on my own. No roommates. Well. Technically one, but she doesn't pay rent.
  Meet Suzie Q, resident furbaby.
She's just over 8 months of age right now, and will eat everything in sight. She used to be afraid of all things real and imagined, but now people just freak her out a little. Which, I understand, they freak me out a bit, too.
So despite all this, there are plenty of people who have my number, who know how to get ahold of me, that just decided I suddenly no longer existed. Apparently, in this day and age, it's not that hard to go off the grid. Just move 20 minutes away and delete your Facebook. BOOM! Instant invisibility!

Easing back into reality

Well, I can see it's been some time since I've posted to my blog. I'm not sure there's too much heartbreak to be found, but I suppose that's something only time will tell. Eventually, I would like to use this blog as a form of therapy, an outlet of sorts so I will no longer have to keep everything bottled up inside.

As for my current situation, I have a full-time job, a boyfriend, my own car, and I will be starting college come January 13th. I've also been able to manage my finances so I can afford the necessities in anticipation of any future needs, which has been incredibly helpful.

Along with all this, I have monthly appointments with a chiropractor, and soon I will be having psychological discussions to keep my life on track. I'm nervous about the latter, but I think it's something that is long overdue, and will ultimately be beneficial in the long run.

That being said, I look forward to creating future posts, in hopes that I will see improvement in mood and tone.

Sometimes, I wonder why I'm single

And for awhile, I manage to convince myself it's because I want to be. I mean, who needs someone else dragging you down like that? Getting all up in your biz-nasss like that. Checking your phone, asking where you're going, who you're with, when you'll be back.. It's like "JEEZ OKAY -DAD- I'm just gonna go do a bunch of hard drugs and have massive orgies with all these people and I promise I won't think of you. NOT. ONE. BIT. Bcuz I luv u bby. Our timez r speshul."

... That was incredibly painful to type.

But then I see all these happy people, happy couples. And it hits me. The common denominator to all my failed relationships = me. And I know it was me. I've always been the one controlling the relationship. I made the calls, I decided when it was good or it was over.

Not only that. But I take a look at all the places that I'm -not- going, all the potential that has been wasted ever so clearly.. And I know others see it, too. I have no one to blame but myself.

For awhile, I had been calling a close friend out on his statements, theoretical as they were, about us "dating." He would only say "We'll see." Now I understand why.

So. Quite frankly. Fuck it. I'm not "on the market." I won't ever be "on the market."

All because I know that I'm not good enough to even be considered for this "market."

Life is a rollercoaster..

And somehow, I'm not the one throwing back that lever to control it.

Life's been taking some pretty.. "interesting" turns lately. Mostly good, occasionally bad, even a little jacked up. But variety is the spice of life, no?

In no particular order, with no real emphasis on impact/importance/relevance/etc., this is what all has been happening lately:

I received a call last week from my store's competitor asking me to come in for an interview. And another the next day. And tomorrow I'm taking the assessment test. Say it with me, folks: That awkward moment when you're leaving your company for the competition.

About 3 weeks ago, I earned my gun safety certificate from Mindsight. 

{yes, it says the 18th, but that's because it wasn't printed and handed to me until then. I technically earned it on Nov. 27th}

And I've only become a better shot since, unloading a solid 200 rounds into targets on Sunday.

I happened to get a call from a good friend of mine, about my fractal art. Our friend's mom wants to use it for business, and is willing to pay for the rights to the artwork and whatnot. I'm floored, blown away, amazed, honoured.. every sort of surprised and flattered emotion out there, along with impressed because there are so many people out there that will just take an image off Google and use it to make money, without any sort of regards to the original artist. So she's going to be looking through my albums and "attempt to narrow it down to 25." {she said this with a laugh, she said she thinks a lot of them are beautiful, which was a really great thing to hear!} I told her we could discuss prices after. I've never experienced this sort of transaction before, so I have no idea as to what to ask in terms of price. I don't want to cost her a business opportunity just because of price, though. I'll figure it out. Probably ask around with people who've done this before. Get estimates. Et cetera.

There's.. also been something quite recent that happened. Something I'm not even sure if it happened, outside of one -very- specific detail. And I know I'll never get the truth out of him. I know he knows.. His voice and actions reflected it the next day. But it's something with which I'll have to come to terms.. Eventually. But for now, I would like to kindly ask any interested individuals to maintain a healthy distance. I know most, if not all, of them don't read this blog, but just in case, for any who do. 

Anywhos.. I don't know what time they currently open, but I think I might get ready and head out to Caribou. I don't know why I'm awake, but I have a chiropractor appointment at 10. If I fall back asleep, I know I'm going to miss it, so I might as well go by the 'bou mantra: "Life is short. Stay awake for it."

Later, interwebs.

Be like that ~ 3 Doors Down

He spends his nights in California
Watching the stars on the big screen
And then he lies awake and he wonders
Why can't that be me


'Cause in his life he's filled with all these good intentions
He's left a lot of things he'd rather not mention right now
Just before he says good-night
He looks up with a little smile at me and he says


(Chorus)
If I could be like that
I would give anything
Just to live one day in those shoes
If I could be like that
What would I do
What would I do
Yeah


Now in dreams we run


She spends her days up in the North Park
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of this dream
Is that too much to ask
With a safe home
And a warm bed
On a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to hold on to
That's all she needs
Yeah


Chorus


Yeah, yeah
Oh, oh, oh yeah
I'm falling into this
In dreams, we run away


Chorus x3


Yeah, yeah
Falling in
I feel I'm
Falling into this again

Somehow functional

Wow. So hey there. It's been.. quite some time.

I've been having these moments, epiphanies if you will, where I look at some of the things I've done and thought to myself, "Damn, I have no shame." Another common one: "I give -zero- fucks right now."

I've also realized I need to look elsewhere for work. I've sent out a few applications but no serious biters. Can't afford to stop trying, though.

I need to get into college, as well. I found out I can get an A. A. S. in Business Computer Systems & Management at NHCC completely online, which would be incredibly convenient. So I'll be seeing when the semesters are starting and go from there. 

Anywho.. I need to get rollin'. I have a play to go see today.

Cinderella. 

::que little mice singing::

Cinderelly, Cinderelly,

Night and day it's Cinderelly

Make the fire, fix the breakfast

Wash the dishes, do the mopping

And the sweeping, and the dusting

They always keep her hopping

She goes around in circles

'Til she's very, very dizzy

Still they holler

Keep a-busy, Cinderelly!

Today, I learned..

That there is no such thing as the "magickal emotional empathy" people claim those who "save" them have. If you want to be saved, you will find a way and an excuse until that one moment where someone sends a text, or calls, or visits. When they do, they "saved your life" but in all reality, it was you who was waiting around for them to make an appearance because you truly didn't want to go through with it. When you decide to jump off the cliff, there won't be anyone there to grab you at the last second. It just won't happen. Life doesn't work like that.

Honestly, I don't even know how this realization makes me feel. There have been many times in my life that I have wanted to be saved. Yet, even while I waited around, no one has ever made an appearance. I suppose, in my case, the best way to be saved.. is to simply save myself.

A lesson could be learned here. Not everyone in your life is dependable, not even those of whom you think might be so. You can't live your life feeling weak without the strength of others. You need to be able to be strong for yourself, thus leading an example and inspiring dependability in others. Only then, when you are at your lowest, will those who have been impacted by you in their lives be called upon to lift you and provide you with their strength. For it is the power you have given them, that allows them to return it to you.