Double-Take

I've become accustomed to my somewhat new surroundings. I've lived here before, but it's been over a year since then. Only a week back, but it's been the longest week of my life.

::rewind::

It's amazing how we feel so justified in our decisions. We accommodate for other people but in all reality, we're serving our own means. Some of us need to leave the nest, some of us want to take those people under their wing to protect them. 

Naturally a bonding process begins, quickened by a prior relationship. Bad habits are repeated, but with the desire to protect comes the desire to understand, to make them truly see what's important. Clarity is gained, dedication is promised and upheld. A date is set, there's no reason why it shouldn't happen.

However, there's always a layer others don't see. The crumbling of trust, the lack of communication. Constantly checking up on each other, even when both parties are innocent. Utilizing technology to gain access to information where it never was.

And then.. despite a gradual reconstruction of what's broken, a conversation happens between old friends. It's amazing how simply talking can be the catalyst for a relationship to end. Though I don't believe topics such as "experimentation with others" and how your fiancée is nothing more than dead weight holding you back are normal conversation topics between someone who was soon-to-be-married and an old friend.

Or how a text to a radio DJ  is filled with so much contempt that just reading it feels like a vicious, fanged bite to the jugular. Maybe you should rethink what you're saying when you say that it's nice having a stay-at-home future wife and that you always want to care and provide for our little family, because clearly you were lying.

Though a line has to be drawn somewhere. Installing a key-logger due to a lack of trust in what your lover's been saying to others about you and based on your own insecurities is definitely that line.

So I moved out.

::back to today::

Slowly readjusting to life at home. Jobs are difficult to come by but not without a strong effort to find one. A car is next on the list.

Love is a fickle and painful thing. It's insanity. It keeps you attached to someone from whom you try to get away. Well, maybe it wasn't love. Not in its true form. It was heavily diluted with immaturity, ego, doubts, and sex. Yes, sex can dilute love and turn it into an illusion. It can make a bad relationship last longer if its good. Studies have proven that much, life experience makes it true.

Anywho.. I'm off to walk achingly downstairs and organize my room. I'd love to go snowboarding tonight as well but I hit the gym hard the last couple nights, so we'll see if my screaming muscles will let me. 

Later, internet.